SMILE like you mean it

Sometimes I feel like I am following a map. This map fits in my pocket along with my Libertines cd and a few odd books. Maybe some good shit. Alot of shit could fit in my back pocket through life. Anyways, back to the map. Its folded in my back pocket but i cant really find the fucking resting ground. I feel as if my legs took me South but my heart is headed North. I've forgotten what it was like to live happily. It may be the spark of moving down a grade in life. Back to where the bad memories started. What can I say, poor.

So I've falled apart again. I am rolling down this hill and no one seems to listen to my screams, and you know the word EMO is used way to frequently to descibe one's inner feelings of self hatred. Im going to try to call people that less. I ran into someone today who wanted to konw what was wrong with me. . I looked at them and walked away. This person called me emo. That was the worst word i could hear at the time.

Im not sure why I am in this mood. The feeling of being alone I take it. The feeling of not having a single REAL friend. I have alot of those friends you make while waiting in line for a band or just meeting because your brothers friends with his brother and voila you meet one day and boom. . . your just friends. Its not friendship i need. Its just a person who will take 10 min out of there day to figure out why I am so down these days. Why I cant stand to wake up every morning and why I resent ever breathing.

I'll get over it. I guess. I will be ok in a few months when the shows start up again and my life is fast again and I cant take time to just breathe . .

breathing is key

FUCK FOREVER

How d'you choose between death and glory?

How d'you choose between death and glory?

Happy endings don't bore me

Happy endings, they never bored me

They, they have a way

They have a way to make you pay

And to make you toe the line

Sever the ties

Oh I'm so clever

But I'm not very wise

Fuck forever

If you don't mind

I'm stuck forever

Stuck in your mind

How d'you choose between death and glory?

But I musta choose between death and glory?

Between Labour and Tory

Pergatory and happy families

Oh, we won't have a say

We won't have a say,no

We won't have a say

Won't have a say

Oh they'll have a way

They'll find a way to make you pay

And to make you toe the line

Sever the ties

Oh, you're so clever

But you're not very nice

So fuck foreverIf you don't mind

Fuck forever

If you don't mind

They, they'll find a way

Find a way to make you pay

And to make you toe the line

Sever the tiesI'm stuck forever

And that is your mind

Fuck foreverI'm out of your mind

Fuck forever

- Baby Shambles

Pete Doherty makes my bones ache and my heart break.

After all, Their only a pair of jeans

After all their only a pair of jeans wasnt the fact. . it was the excuse. . . no. . it wasnt the jeans. . it was the fact that when I needed help. No one was there.

sleep on it. think on it. I would have never done that to you.


to those who have no idea what i am talking about. . . its ok. .you dont have to know. . she konws. . the way she walks, talks, eats and sleeps. She knows. Maybe not tonight. maybe not tomorrow. but soon . she will realize all she knows.

As cold as it may be. . . i STILL live in Southern California

Dear Invisible World Of The Interwebz,

I feel as if Christmas was missing a little something this year. I am not completely sure why it was bothering me all day yesterday being that never in the histories of Christmas have I ever had such any occurrences, but . .. sadly . . it was bugging the hell out of me. I really wanted to look into the sky and see . . well . . SNOW . . I wanted the frozen water to knock me out. . I wanted to feel numb and so cold that I my body refuses to undo the blankets and step out side. . then again. . I wanted to run outside in my bathing suit and jump in a HUGE pile of ice. . . ice. ice. . ice. . oh what a WHITE Christmas that would be. Fuck SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA

Lets see. . Christmas was a little fucked considering Santa Jewlie fucked up babies shoe size. Get this. The kid is a size 9 . . ( yea that's what I said. . she's like what 11 and she's a size 9. . holy macaroni. . she's gonna own me in height) . . . but on accident I got her a size 6 . . I think the lady in the candy shop (aka shoe store) thought the box said 9 when stupidly it said 6 . . OH GOSH DARN THAT DERN BOX. . I blame the box. .It was upside down. . and the nice spanish lady doesnt know how to speak es da english . . so . . . she gave me a ceis. . what a pill.

This is the girls' Merry Christmas. . Baby got a DS . .Chel got . . well. . nothing










Its ummm 641 in the fucking morning right now. . Why do I write about shit no one cares about? That's the effing point. . I guess. . This is my life. . Its not interesting. . but it gets me by. . the fact that I am not in a band with a bassist that fucks Hollywood's sweet heart ( and in all honesty. . . He's calmed her down in a sense. . or vice versa. . ah hell they just work together. . hand in hand they are creating angels . . just hopefully one cannot come out of a womb) and he writes such good godamn shit that it makes me scared to even exist in his world. . because ladies and gentlemen THIS IS HIS WORLD . . we just occupy space . . I am not that guy. . I am the looser in the crowd. . the duplicate face. . the one people see over and over again as regurgitated as that may seem . . I am no starlet . . no face in the sky . . I am just me looking up . . . trying to swim . . trying not to drown . . and this is their world . .

ANYWAYS. . back to life. . I need to take care of myself this upcoming year. I think that will be my New Year's Resolution (Revolution) . . I vow to try my damn hardest to take care of myself and not be such a lazy asshole. . I may even need some clearing out of thy head. . I need to drive somewhere that I can sit on a cliff and look out at a beautiful scenery and settle all my internal conflictions. I refuse to go to sunken city because that my friend is a get fucked while drunk location and I need clearance not a porno. .

I also want to pay more attention to life. Its happening to fast. 2008 already? Godamn. I was suppose to be knocked up by now in trailer park somewhere with Elisha Mueller . . Jesus. . How time flies. . I need to start watching bumblebee's make honey and ants carry their dead. . I need to pay attention to dog's that piss on tires and dragon flies that scare the shit out of everyone. I need to go fishing and clear my head and just watch the ripples as they ripple ripple ripple through life. . as fag as that sounds. . I actually need it. . My head has been feeling a bit to full of information lately. . and the sense of no purpose . has stricken me yet again. . I will go look at a flower.

as a conclusion to my post today. . I'd like to tell you what has made my life as far as happiness with a beard goes. .








Sadly. . I'm starting to think he's the most genius man alive. .



I am SO buying that shirt.


ok ok. . one last thing. . I wish I had a fucking room. . I'd totally deck it out. . with like words. . ha ha. .USELESS




stay tuned

ex's and oh's Jewlie

MERRY CHRISTMAS?

I havnt updated in god knows when. Maybe its because well. . . I forget this little blog exists most of the time and or I have NOTHING to say. .

So it is Christmas eve and I spent all day cleaning and preparing a tree for ungreatful little children. If god sent mothers beautiful respectable little angels. . then fuck GOD SENT US LITTLE DEVILS. . those little shits. . They are un greatful and un forgivable. . I buy them the world. . they give me all the crap in return. Shit. These children are why I am never having children. NEVER EVER EVER.

Onto more MERRIER events. Tonight is the eve of christmas and Ive spent more money then I'd like this year on this family alone. . My friends too.. but only a select 3 ha ha. . I dont have money for friends. . Just the one's who have been through thick and thin with me. . The ones who will throw a beer at me when I am on the floor throwing up. . Friends like that are the friends that will take care of you.

SO . . Tomorrow Will be christmas. . i have said that at least twice, have I not? I have nothing much to say. . I'm sure the kids wont like what I got them being I got the girls (including mom) shoes and Anthony a hoodie. . I picked up a few mugs (cute) with Tinker on them for the girls (including mom) and a HUGE motherfuckn stereo for the mother. . I have never spent so much money on one occasion. . I bought Jimmy some vans and gma a amazing cross with purple stones. I bought the cross from an amazing Irish man who was sad that a child told him she didnt believe in christmas (onto that a little later). . . and finally I bought my aunt a clock (weak sauce) which was awesome because its in the shape of a heart and carved out of "Zebra" wood from Africa, go figure. Grandma told me she didnt buy me anything and mother probably couldnt afford anything. . so Im lucked out. . but that's not what chrismtas is all about. .

Back to the discussion about children who were raised not to believe in Santa. . I understand that in some religions or households Santa Clause is nothing but an imaginary figure that was created to bring a spirit to christmas. I understand that, but to raise your child without hope that there just might be a Santa seems like robbery in my eyes. I remember when I was probably a good 16 I still wanted to believe in Santa, to be honest I still do. I believe him to be more of a symbol for caring and sharing and getting together for the holidays. The concept of Santa is what makes Christmas. Not the presents, not the food, the thought of a fat man in my living room leaving me something good for the morning. That was what my child hood was about. I had to wait 364 days for this fat man in a red suit to come through my door and jiggle his fat belly over my tree and drop off those Barbies I was praying for. The cool thing about my Santa was I got 2 visits a year being I had 2 homes. I. Had. It. Made. So in hearing that a family raised their child to not believe in Santa I was a little sad. What does the child look forward too? all year. How does the child not think ZOMG SANTA IS COMING!!!! It just saddens me. . Tell the kid their is DEFF no Easter bunny. . but SANTA?!?!?! that's equivalent to telling your child that GOD isnt real . . . and well. . I dont believe he is either. . BUT SANTA. . COME ON!

Well I think I am done trying to defend a lost cause. Holidays are beginning to lag in this FAT generation. Kids dont even trick or treat anymore yet alone send each other Valentines or even go on easter egg hunts. Fat America is ruining our youth. Tis a little sad. . One day when I have little Juliana Grace Nicole Ulloa-Ard Jr I will raise taht shit to believe in every fictional saint out there INCLUDING THE EASTER BUNNY. . jeesh people. . Kids dont even believe in Mickey Mouse. . come on. . .its Mickey Mouse. .

Just before I go . . I wanted to add these Pictures of Yesterday. .

WE CALL OURSELVES

SNOOPIES GROUPIES!!!!!

Just a little. . TO EXCITED

PS: Those damn Jonas Brothers are on TV again ABC tomorrow morning. . THe Christmas Parade. . those boys NEVER sleep or take a break. . or celebrate any holidays. .

POOR LITTLE BOTHERS

ps2: I'll put pics of the tree up tomorrow morning. . and all the little gifts the girls get from me and mom. .

ps3: Ella now lives with me in my house ONCE AGAIN

reeeeuunnitted cuz it feeelllls soooo goood

MMMMMMMMMMM GOOD

Ah the invisible readers of the interwebz

tonight I was in the presence of a long time crush. Matt Good. I'd like to just end it there because If I went into detail the stress it took to get that crowd pumping. . What happened to FFTL fans? Jesus. . I had to accidently get into a fight to start a  mosh pit. . Its always my fault for starting pits in lame crowds. Sidekick says I have balls. 

I say I have a left nut and a blueberry. 

Let me rant a bit about the unimportantance of Sonny Moore. .  I dont see why he was in the band to begin with. Sure when he was in the band I didnt give a crack but seeing Matt take over was way better than watching the midgit run around screaming and just looking like a cracked out drugie with dirty hair. 

i dont know. my opinon. 

I have to catch up on some ZZZ's my body is shutting down as early as 130 and I dont like it. . . lets catch up a bit. . we'll finish those finals tomorrow. 

And tear my eyes right out;

I'd rather see without them anyway

Please dont tell me 

what I dont want to know

love it 

hate it

embrace it

music

UPDATE: Life throws you lemons WHY THE HELL DO YOU MAKE LEMONADE? just throw them back

Hello wonderful world of invisible readers,

I have not been updating in the past week. GUILTY AS CHARGED. Reason? To damn lazy. I blame lazyness for a lot of my procrastinating  . . who wouldnt blame lazyness? Lets see , what to update about. It's been a very interesting week starting with the odd turn up of me at this tour for Fall Out Boy. It was last minute unexpected type bullshit. How can I miss a FOB show? you may ask. Well simply, put Cute Is What We Aim For and Plain White T's as the openers . . That will deff make me consider NOT seeing FOB for the 50th time (which might just be that many in these 5 long one's). . anways. . . point is that I went to the FOB show on tuesday with high hopes of being highly entertained as I just waddle into the pit and make fun of SHAT's hair. . . bad comb over. Lets just say this Fall Out Boy fans are getting younger and younger. Its ridiculous how they act sometimes. Whose their ring leader? 2 words Bad Mullet . . . and not Billy Ray Cyrus either.  . Sometimes I dont know what to think of Pete Wentz. I love to hate him yet I love him so much more. Love is used loosley here. I love him in the sense that he is in one of my favorite most respected bands and himself as a person  and not as the sex symbol i SO dont see . . Honestly on the real .  Id agree hands down with anyone who said Joe Trohman's got whats going on. End. Of. Story. Young Wild Things Tour . . . went to about uh two of those. I dragged a very umm well . . . how do i put this. .  a non fob lover to the SD show and turned her into a FOB lover . . I love doing that. . 

On with my life. February kids!!! mark those calendars . . 8 fucking Cobra shows. This. Will. Be. INSANE. What can I say? I live to be on the road and I live for the road to be on my feet! 

not. funny. 

Starting friday will be a very merry A7x road trip.  I had to play mother to my 15 year old brother and decided because he fucked up in school and isnt getting good grades that he will NOT be attending this very unholy union. I know I know I'm suppose to be his really cool non judgmental smoke a cancer stick with you and offer your first blow of hindu weed, but sadly I am more like his mother than I'd like to be. Raising a fifteen year old isnt easy when you are nineteen and just left the stages of rebellion and havoc is the hardest most painful experience. .  . but someone has to do it. Don't get me wrong I love my little brother more than life itself. He makes up 1/4 of the only people I love more than the breath I breathe, the same people that I will take a bullet in the ass like Forrest Gump for. No one and nothing is more important then my family and I will do all that I have to to make sure every single one of them are well taken care of. Yet I find my self not knowing nor capable of knowing what to do with this boy. Its not like I'm here to cramp his style. In fact i'd rather him have style than be a dork wad. . but thats beside the fact. 

On the other side of the tracks I can succesfully say I failed another semester of Freshman community college. God. Talk about shit. Its just one of those things where I actually put effort into something and then I get thrown to many things all at once. Its not my fault. Honestly. I blame the fact that I lost my godamn homework. I just realized that I am a total hypocrite and I contradict myself way to much. Who em I to judge my brother on his grades? I AM FAILING TOO! Good God. I fail. 

I think for the sake of being sane. I better go. Just play nice little games in the dreams in my head. Maybe drink a cup of totallymakemesickcuzmystomachswearsitsvegan EGGNOG .  . yum?

If you catch me smiling a bit more its just cause some tow truck pulled me out of the ditch and my headlights are pointed the right way again

realizing your life is nothing but failed missions to the moon as made me a little more poetic than i wish i can feel . Failing gym as a freshmen makes you think would you be better off a freshmen or a fresh man? its a concept worth looking into. . Failing is almost just as sweet as winning you get all the stress in the world and your tunnel slowly closes and hope begins to linger on the sweet ropes of hope . . .  but then you can pull an Indiana Jones on that fuckers ass and get that shit back

XOXO - check ya late